Raising Children

I’ve been a child, a parent and a grandmother. Early on in my life I started developing a philosophy of childrearing, though I didn’t initially call it that.

I observed the things my parents did and decided what I liked and what I didn’t. I thought that if I ever had children there were certain things I wouldn’t do – e.g. corporal punishment.

As I grew older, I watched other people with children and made some judgements again. A friend’s hassles with getting her children up for school in the morning made me determined to find other ways than nagging. Parents scolding their children in grocery stores and other public places suggested to me that kids needed fun things to occupy them when they were dragged along with adults.

When I had my own child, one of the things I decided was to treat him with respect from the start so that he would treat others that way. That involved knocking before entering his room and giving him opportunities to make decisions. I also read a lot about child rearing, took some workshops, and continued to observe others.

I didn’t like seeing hassles over food. It seems to me that if a child says he or she is full that should be respected. How else will they learn to trust themselves and their own decisions if they aren’t given the opportunity? If there are certain foods we don’t want children to indulge or over indulge in why have them in the house? Make desserts healthy and good so that a child can eat either the dessert or the main course and still get nutrition.

I learned that actions with children are more effective than words - constant nagging is useless. I also liked the idea of logical consequences – if a child doesn’t want to wear mittens on a cold day, let him or her feel the cold. Let a child dress him or herself if they like and what does it matter if a shirt is inside out?

The fewer rules the better is what I came to believe. Children can’t remember a lot of rules, neither can adults, and then it’s hard to be consistent. It there’s behaviour you don’t like, try to determine why it’s happening and be consistent in dealing with it. Children act the way we expect and allow them to act.

Allow children responsibility – if they want to butter their own bread or pour their own milk, let them, even if it means a spill or a bit of mess. Give them a smaller container to start. Nurture them rather than control them. And expose them to lots of creative experiences. Too much television or computer time is not particularly helpful to creativity, though it’s an easy way to keep kids quiet. Do you want a quiet, zombie-like child or a thinking, creative one?

It takes a village to raise a child, says a proverb common in many African cultures. Use the resources around you, observe, read, learn – rearing a child takes commitment, thought and creativity.

And then they grow up and move out and make their own decisions that may or may not be ones you would have made. That’s when you really have to let go no matter what.

The Lebanese writer and artist Khalil Gibran wrote:

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.